MAZEL TOV!
Congregation Tikkun V’Or (Ithaca Reform Temple) is thrilled to help you welcome and name your baby according to Jewish traditions.

Cantor Abbe Lyons is happy to help you plan a special ceremony for your family. Contact her at the temple at (607) 256-1471, or abbe.lyons@tikkunvor.org

If your family is an interfaith family, we welcome you. As a congregation affiliated with the Union for Reform Judaism, our community recognizes not only matrilineal but also patrilineal descent. Any children who have one Jewish parent and are being raised as Jews in a Jewish home are considered Jewish, without the need for conversion of the child (even if the mother is not Jewish). If there are special circumstances to consider (adoption or the desire/need for a conversion ceremony for a child), please discuss your questions with Cantor Abbe Lyons.

• Cantor Abbe Lyons can help you plan and schedule a ceremony, which can be included in an already scheduled service or in a private ceremony (at home or other locations, or as part of a rental of the temple facility).
• For members of our congregation, there is no fee for naming rituals at a regularly scheduled service.
• For members, there is a $65 fee for naming rituals at another times or an off-site location.
• Non-members can arrange for private ceremonies directly with Cantor Lyons..
• *Donations to the congregation in honor of this auspicious occasion are encouraged.

CEREMONIES

Traditionally, the naming ceremony during services is linked to the public reading of the Torah. During the Torah reading on the Shabbat after the birth, the special "Mi Sheberach" blessing is said, beginning with a prayer for the mother's health. It continues with the giving of the baby's name. This can be done for either boys or girls and is not precluded by having a private ceremony.

In our congregation, namings at services are often held when the baby is one or more months old and are most often part of a Friday evening service. There are various possibilities for personalizing the naming ceremony, though longer, more elaborate ceremonies are more often done at home.

SIMCHAT BAT
For girls, there is an emerging tradition of home ceremonies, sometimes called
Simchat Bat ("the joy of our daughter") or Brit Banot, "the covenant of our daughters."
These ceremonies vary widely, though they usually include naming the daughter along
with some readings or songs and a festive meal. Some ceremonies parallel boys' Brit Milah
and some are unique. There is no particular date for these ceremonies. Some families
choose to schedule it on the 8th day to parallel the brit milah, others wait weeks or even
months.

BRIT MILAH
Traditionally, a baby boy is welcomed to the community with a brit milah (covenant of
circumcision) on the eighth day. Jewish tradition considers circumcision to be a religious rite,
not a health measure. The ceremony also includes naming of the boy and is followed by a
festive meal.

If you want to have your baby boy circumcised in accordance with Jewish practice, you will need to contact a mohel (ritual circumciser). Many baby boys in Ithaca have been circumcised by Dr. Alan Angell, a urologist in Horseheads who is a certified mohel. Contact him at (607) 733-1156. Dr. Angell can officiate for the naming, but is also open to having one of our lay leaders name the baby after the circumcision. Unless ill health or medical problems prevent or delay the circumcision of the infant, he should be circumcised on the eighth day. This may be done at home or at the synagogue. Hospital circumcision (which is usually performed before the 8th day) is not Brit Milah.

If your baby boy has a non-Jewish mother and Jewish father and you wish his Jewish status
to be recognized in all Jewish communities, discuss the possibility of including conversion as
part of brit milah with your mohel.

Cantor Abbe Lyons is also available to discuss with you alternative ceremonies should you,
for whatever reason, decide not to follow this traditional path. In addition, even if your
baby boy is named during brit milah, he can be welcomed to the larger synagogue community
at a service.

NAMES
There are so many names! Many people choose to give their children two names - one in
English and another in Hebrew. The Hebrew name is used in Religious School and to be called up to the Torah. Many names from the Torah and Jewish tradition are very popular in both languages.

The Ashkenazi (Jews originally from Eastern Europe) tradition is to name a new baby after
a relative that has passed away. In this way, we acknowledge the strong roots that have
produced the tree of the Jewish people, and of our own family's character.

The Sephardic and Mizrachi (Jews originally from Spain and the Middle East) tradition is similar
in philosophy, however the custom is to name after living as well as deceased relatives.
The temple library has a book of Jewish baby names; Naomi Wilensky, Religious School
Director, also has many Jewish name dictionaries. Contact her at (607) 256-1471 (temple office).

• The New Jewish Baby Book: Names, Ceremonies, and Customs by Anita Diamant
• Jewish Family Celebrations by Arlene Cardozo
• The Hadassah Magazine Jewish Parenting Book edited by Roselyn Bell
• Jewish Family and Life: Traditions, Holidays, and Values for Today’s Parents and Children by Yosef Abramowitz and Rabbi Susan Silverman
  

WEDDINGS AT CONGREGATION TIKKUN V’OR

Mazel tov on your engagement!  

Cantor Abbe Lyons is available to officiate at Jewish weddings and at commitment ceremonies for same sex couples. 

Contact: abbe.lyons@tikkunvor.org

or (607) 256-1471.

For a list of other area clergy available to perform wedding ceremonies, or to inquire about renting Congregation Tikkun v’Or for a wedding ceremony or reception, contact Naomi Wilensky naomi.wilensky@tikkunvor.org

607-256-1471

For More Information or referrals for rabbis:

• www.interfaithfamily.com

Offers links to articles and resources on planning interfaith weddings

• The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant

Provides information, ideas, and other resources for Jewish weddings for interfaith couples.

The Jewish Wedding

There are many traditions and customs of a traditional Jewish wedding, including:

Traditionally, both the chatan (groom) and kallah (bride) fast on the wedding day (in this case, from dawn until after the completion of the marriage ceremony). At the ceremony, the chatan wears a kittel, the traditional white robe worn on Yom Kippur.

It is customary for the chatan and kallah not to see each other for the week preceding the wedding. Separate receptions, called Kabbalat Panim, are held just prior to the wedding ceremony.

Jewish tradition likens the couple to a queen and king. The kallah will be seated on a throne to receive her guests, while the chatan is surrounded by guests who sing and toast him.

There is a tradition for the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom to stand together and break a plate. The reason is to show the seriousness of the commitment -- just as a plate can never be fully repaired, so too a broken relationship can never be fully repaired.

Next comes the badeken, the veiling of the kallah by the chatan. The veil symbolizes the idea of modesty and conveys the lesson that however attractive physical appearances may be, the soul and character are paramount.

The chatan, accompanied by family and friends, proceeds to the kallah's room and places the veil over her face. It is reminiscent of Rebecca covering her face before marrying Isaac.

The wedding ceremony takes place under the chupah (canopy), a symbol of the home to be built and shared by the couple. It is open on all sides, just as Abraham and Sarah had their tent open all sides to welcome friends and relatives in unconditional hospitality.

The chatan, followed by the kallah, are usually escorted to the chuppah by their respective sets of parents.

Under the chupah, the kallah circles the chatan seven times. Just as the world was created in seven days, the kallah is figuratively building the walls of the couple's new home. The number seven also symbolizes the wholeness and completeness that they cannot attain separately.

Two cups of wine are used in the wedding ceremony. The first cup accompanies the betrothal blessing, and after these are recited, the couple drinks from the cup.

Wine, a symbol of joy in Jewish tradition, is associated with the Kiddush, the sanctification prayer recited on Shabbat and festivals. Marriage, which is called Kiddushin, is the sanctification of a man and woman to each other.

The ring should be made of plain gold, without blemishes or ornamentation (e.g. stones) -- just as it is hoped that the marriage will be one of simple beauty.

The chatan now takes the wedding ring in his hand, and in clear view of two witnesses, he declares to his wife, Behold, you are betrothed unto me with this ring according to the laws of Moses and Israel. He then places the ring on the forefinger of his bride's right hand. According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding ceremony, and the couple is now fully married at this point.

Now comes the reading of the Ketubah (marriage contract) in the original Aramaic text. In marriage, the chatan accepts upon himself certain marital responsibilities which are detailed in the Ketubah. The document is signed by two witnesses, and has the standing of a legally binding agreement. The Ketubah is the property of the kallah and she must have access to it throughout their marriage. It is often written amidst beautiful artwork, to be framed and displayed in the home.

The reading of the Ketubah acts as a break between the first part of the ceremony -- Kiddushin (betrothal ), and the latter part -- Nissuin ( marriage ).

The Seven Blessings (Sheva Brachot) are now recited over the second cup of wine. These blessings are often recited by the rabbi or other people that the families wish to honor.

At the conclusion of the seven blessings, the chatan and kallah again drink some of the wine.

A glass is now placed on the floor, and the chatan shatters it with his foot. This act serves as an expression of sadness at the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, and identifies the couple with the spiritual and national destiny of the Jewish people.

This marks the conclusion of the ceremony. With shouts of Mazel Tov, the chatan and kallah are then given an enthusiastic reception from the guests as they leave the chupah together and head toward the Yichud room, their temporary private chamber.

The couple are escorted to a private room and left alone for the first time. These moments of seclusion signify the newly acquired right of the chatan and kallah to live together as husband and wife.

Since the couple has been fasting since the morning, at this point they break their fast.

It is a mitzvah for guests to bring simchah (joy) to the chatan and the kallah on their wedding day. There is much music and dancing as the guests celebrate with the new couple. After the meal, Birkat Hamazon ( Grace After Meals ) is recited, and the Sheva Brachot are repeated.

During the week following the wedding, it is customary for friends and relatives to host festive meals in honor of the chatan and kallah. This is called the week of Sheva Brachot, because of the blessings said at the conclusion of each of these festive meals.

Jewish laws and customs for after the death of a loved one focus on kavod (honor/respect)for the deceased and nichum (comfort) for the mourner.

Cantor Abbe Lyons is available to conduct a funeral, lead a shiva minyan, or conduct an unveiling (see below). She can answer questions, offer options, provide guidance when requested.

Contact Abbe at the temple at (607) 256-1471.
Or email abbe.lyons@tikkunvor.org

For immediate needs, she can also be reached at: Abbe 273-6898 

The Avodah Committee can also assist by letting members know about your loss, assisting at a shiva minyan, and bringing the siddurim (prayerbooks) and kippot (headcoverings).

For members of our congregation, there is no fee for a shiva minyan in your home.
Members and non-members can arrange for a funeral, shiva minyan, and unveiling, which can be planned directly with Abbe.

Donations to the congregation in memory of your loved one are encouraged.

Funerals
Jewish burials take place as quickly as possible, following a principle of k'vod ha-met, honoring the dead.

Tahara is the ritual cleansing before dressing the body for burial. Tikkun v’Or does not currently have a chevra kadisha (holy committee) to perform this task, but the funeral home may be able to provide you with more information about working with Temple Beth-El members who will perform this mitzvah.
The body is dressed in "shrouds", white garments which are identical for each Jew and which symbolically recall the garments worn by the Kohen Gadol (High Priest).

Jews are traditionally buried in a plain pine box, which remains closed for the funeral.

Typically, when the funeral service has ended, the mourners come forward to fill the grave. Symbolically, this gives the mourners closure as they observe the grave being filled in. When someone is finished, they put the shovel back in the ground, rather than handing it to the next person, so that they shouldn't pass along their grief.

Halvayat hamet, accompanying the dead to their burial, is considered a special mitzvah (commandment).

The mourners traditionally make a keriah (tear) in an outer garment either before the funeral or immediately after it. The tear should be over the area of the heart. Alternatively, mourners wear a black pin with a black ribbon, which is symbolically torn.

Bangs Funeral Home is prepared to accommodate Jewish funerals. Graveside funeral services may also be appropriate.
Congregation Tikkun v’Or owns a few cemetery plots at Lake View cemetery. For information about these, contact the Temple presidents. There’s also been interest in Greensprings Cemetery in Newfield. Information is at 607-564-7577 <www.naturalburial.org>

Shiva
There are seven relatives for whom a Jew is required to observe shiva (days of mourning): father or mother, sister or brother, son or daughter, and spouse.

After the funeral, it is customary for the family to sit shiva (in mourning). Shiva (the Hebrew word for seven) is traditionally observed for seven days, although many Reform and other Jews sometimes sit shiva for just three days (reflecting the traditional emphasis on these days as more intensive than the latter four), but ask that friends continue to visit for the next several evenings.

Traditionally, Jews cover all mirrors during this time and sit on low stools, to reinforce the mourners' inner emotions of feeling low.
Shiva is interrupted for observance of Shabbat and most holidays.

Note that most of these practices are also appropriate for mourning non-Jewish family members; you may want to discuss your particular situation with Mona or Abbe.

Shiva Minyan
It is customary for friends and family of the deceased as well as friends of the deceased's relatives to pay a shiva call to the designated location where people are sitting shiva, usually at the home of a close family member. Jews do not send flowers, but when paying a shiva call it is appropriate to bring food, because the person mourning is not supposed to worry about such mundane matters. Being surrounded by family and close friends often helps mourners cope with the immediate loss. Often, family members find great solace from sharing memories of the deceased during the Shiva period. The mitzvah (commandment) of nichum avelim, comforting the mourners, is directed to the community. Comforting the mourners can mean just sitting quietly with them and allowing time for grief. See below for more information about visiting a house in mourning.

During this time a daily service (requiring a minyan / quorum of ten Jews) is usually held at the home of the mourners, so that they have a loving community in which to recite the mourner’s kaddish.

At the end of the week or time of sitting shiva, mourners leave the house, taking a short walk around the block with those who have come to comfort them.

Traditionally, mourners refrain from various celebrations for at least 30 days, a period called sholoshim (thirty).

Other customs:
Water: A basin of water and a towel may be left outside the door for people to wash their hands, a ritual gesture that separates the mitzvah of honoring the dead from the mitzvah of comforting the bereaved.

Shoes: Mourners remove their shoes and refrain from wearing leather shoes, an ancient sign of luxury, while in the house. Wearing cloth slippers, socks, or going barefoot is a sign of being humbled by loss.

Light: It is customary to light a large shiva candle, also called a ner daluk (burning light) which burns for seven days and nights. The candle is placed in a prominent spot and lit without saying a blessing. The funeral home can provide a long-burning candle or a special electric light that stays lit throughout shiva.

Food: Serving a seudat ha-havra'ah (meal of condolence) to mourners upon their return from the cemetery is a tangible act of condolence. Although the bereaved tend to be uninterested in eating, friends provide nourishment to signal that life must go on. The first meal after the funeral is traditionally round, often hard-boiled eggs or lentils or chickpeas, symbolic of the cyclical nature of life.

Tzedakah: (charity, literally “righteousness”) In lieu of flowers, Jewish custom encourages honoring the dead by giving money in their memory to a cause that reflects their values.

Mourner’s Kaddish
The mourner’s kaddish is a prayer in included in all daily services. The prayer, written primarily in Aramaic, consists of praise and glorification of God, and is usually recited by mourners for eleven or twelve months after a family death.

The message of Jewish tradition is that your life must move forward, and therefore even though you are sitting shiva, you celebrate Shabbat and other holidays. We remember loved ones by observing their yahrzeit, the anniversary of their death; by lighting a memorial candle; by saying the mourner’s kaddish; and by participating in Yizkor (remembrance) services during the year.

Unveiling the headstone
At the end of the first year of mourning, a tombstone is erected in a graveside ceremony called the unveiling. Psalms are recited, along with, the prayer El Maleh Rahamim (God full of compassion) and the Mourner's kaddish. The cloth covering the headstone is removed.
It is customary to place a small stone on the marker to indicate that someone has visited the grave.

Additional Information
Jewish tradition discourages cremation, and especially after the Holocaust we are sensitive to images associated with the burning of a body. If a Jew chooses cremation, however, burial of the ashes in soil is generally preferable to burying them in a mausoleum or keeping them. Embalming is also discouraged, except if required by law under special circumstances.

Being an organ donor is permitted according to all Jewish denominations.

While Jewish tradition does discourage voluntary tattooing, those who violate this prohibition may be buried in a Jewish cemetery and participate fully in all synagogue ritual.

Resources to learn more about Jewish mourning and rituals

• Mourning & Mitzvah: A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner's Path Through Grief to Healing by Anne Brener
• A Time to Mourn, a Time to Comfort: A Guide to Jewish Bereavement by Ron Wolfson and David J. Wolpe
• The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Maurice Lamm
• myjewishlearning.com/lifecycle/
  ujc.org/content_display.html?ArticleID="1598 judaism.about.com/od/deathmournin1/
  interfaithfamily.com

What to Do when Visiting a House in Mourning (making a shiva call)

Just walk in. Do not ring the doorbell. The front door of most shiva homes will be left open or unlocked, since all are invited to comfort the mourners. This eliminates the need for the mourners to answer the door. On a practical level, it avoids the constant disruptive ringing of the bell.

Find the mourners. Go to the mourners as soon as possible. What do you say? The tradition suggests being silent, allowing the mourner to open the conversation. Simply offering a hug, a kiss, a handshake, an arm around the shoulder speaks volumes. If you do want to open a conversation, start with a simple "I'm so sorry" or "I don't know what to say. This must be really difficult for you" or "I was so sorry to hear about _______." Be sure to name the deceased. Why? Because one of the most powerful ways to comfort mourners is to encourage them to remember the deceased.

There's no need to make small talk. Silence is a way to just be with the mourner.

Participate in the service. If a prayer service is conducted during your call, participate to the extent you can. If you do not know the service, sit or stand respectfully while it is in progress. If the rabbi or leader asks for stories about the deceased, do not hesitate to share one. The entire purpose of shiva is to focus on the life of the person who has died and his or her relationship to the family and friends in that room.

Respect the mourning process. Don’t try to cheer up the mourners or imply that their loss is all for the best or in any way comparable to anyone else's. Allow them to mourn, and keep them connected to life with your supportive and caring presence.

Honor, accomodate, and affirm any way a mourner chooses to observe the processs

Say goodbye. When you are ready to leave, you may want to wish the bereaved good health and strength, long life, and other blessings. The formal farewell to a mourner is:
Hamakom y'nachem etchem b'toch sh'ar availai tziyon ee yerushalayim.
May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

-- From Dr. Ronald Wolfson on <www.myjewishlearning.com>